Icy Tears

revelation

2008-09-30T23:28:00Z

So after all this wallowing in self-pity, I've come to a conclusion of sorts. I MUST, not just need or want to, those aren't strong enough, I MUST live to make myself happy first at all costs.

I realize that now after worrying (unnecessarily), wasting my life and time and own sense of happiness on worrying over things which I've no control. So what makes me happy?

- reading
- communicating with others- aka friends
- being artsy and doing artsy things i.e. going to exhibits and making art
- having a job that will sustain my living conditions and improve them
- working out everyday and always being active
- listening to music
- watching movies and some television
- having intellectual conversations
- being focussed on the things I want most of all
- living my days as I please rather than simply to please others
- contemplating, day dreaming and just thinking

No one will ever take these things away from me ever again.

Of course, there are more things that make me happy but these are the things that have made me happy until this time of my life and things I can depend on to make me happy if only temporarily. Not sure if this decision will further solidate the assumption of me being 'selfish' but I really think that I need to do these things to make me happy first, then I can try and make others happy. But I know now that if I don't make me happy first, then I won't really make anyone else happy because emotions like that are quite contageous. I know I hate being ordered around, doing what others tell me to do, not being able to do my own things, being told to say and do things that don't resonate (I suppose would be the right word) with me, and frustration for not being able to make things better for others when my heart isn't really in it. I need to be fully happy with making changes or doing things in my life for others to be happy or happier, and if I'm not happy, I'm not making anyone else happy either.

When my ex and I talk again, I won't be talking to her just because it'll make her happy. I'll be doing it to make me happy first. I'm not feeling up to talking right now... but perhaps tomorrow. I'm going to listen to my feelings first and foremost now. And if something really doesn't feel right (I mean, in myself, if something feels really off), then I simply won't do it no matter what fuss is kicked up because of it. Walking away can be the hardest or the easiest thing, depending.

sullenescape @ 2008-09-09T19:48:00

2008-09-09T23:51:06Z

Internet almost up at my place, thank goodness. It's driving me up the wall, being such a long, painful process ugh.

Don't you hate it when you're supposed to be doing something you love but all you can feel from it is dread like walking down death row? I don't particularly enjoy it.

Did two more classes today (fitness); power yoga and belly dancing. I've done both before, the former much more so than the latter. And love them. Had a good time and felt much better and less stressed afterward.

Now I'm just stressed again hehe...

sullenescape @ 2008-09-08T19:52:00

2008-09-09T00:14:44Z

so did two exercise classes- demos- pilates and then ballet. both really fun. the pilates i'm more used to and know a lot of the moves already. and the ballet only very little from a fitness video. exciting stuff haha. no friends yet but am enjoying the classes so far.

trouble in paradise, of course... but yeah...i'm sure we'll get over the hump. we always do. *sigh*

i would like to have a job to pay my rent and maybe, maybe take a ballet class...at this point it may not be til next semester...but i think it would be a really good experience, good exercise, really improves your posture... its great.

sullenescape @ 2008-09-03T16:45:00

2008-09-03T20:50:19Z

i miss art. omg do i ever. i just...wanna paint...and build big stretchers with big canvasses covering them... what a fantastic feeling lol...since i'm terrible carpenter it's even more amazing.

i miss my gf too...and well... the convenience of home and not having to worry about rent, tuition or buying food..it's like...hard to get used to especially when i'm flat broke this time. i'm contemplating getting an appt. with a financial adviser on campus...maybe they can help me with it... *sigh* plus i'm job hunting and such... i'm thinking i might work out today.

food's pretty scarce too...well when you're in my position. i need more self control, i actually bought food yesterday, just a mini pizza and two coffees...but it was over $5 all together for it all. need to save.

i applied for the university newspaper...so that should be fun, i'm on a volunteer list...so... who knows. and i applied for the editor position available for the features/opinions section.

sullenescape @ 2008-09-02T17:44:00

2008-09-02T21:48:49Z

so i just moved in yesterday to my new apartment on campus. my gf's parents are giving her problems now... i feel so helpless right now. :(

*sigh* anyway, computer was working at home before i moved and now it doesnt work at all. it's a piece of crap.

im really lonely here too... well off to the other labs...

sullenescape @ 2008-08-30T18:01:00

2008-08-30T22:52:48Z

you know, its so sad how put down careers like artists and writers are... no one has any faith in them anymore. they're considered side jobs. but you know, there's many ways to get by doing those as you're main job. and wtf. look at people like JKR, Tamora Pierce, and others. i guess things haven't really changed from like... feudal times, pfft. honestly. i think people ought to do what they want for a career, within reason of course, but think about it. how miserable are people in their jobs that they create so many toxic means of escape? it's really quite sad. from sex, to drugs and alcohol, to being simply emotionally void.

the york saga

2008-08-28T04:34:39Z

ah the beginning of a school year...dear school, I have missed thee.

transfered schools...am really excited, worried, afraid, and anxious all at once to start. my family doesn't think i'm going due to my financial situation, but i am determined to go no matter what. even if i have to take a night job and eat at the soup kitchen. i'm fucking getting out of here. or i may go insane. and i have too many plans for the future to go insane.

so yesh... will update once sequence of events of moving begins. :D moving on monday or tuesday. gf's 'rents possibly might help...and thats a possibly...hopefully my uncle will do it. and i already know my parents don't expect me to even go so...hmmm we shall see. i plan to have everything packed by the time they get home. and my room cleaned from top to bottom. i'm determined to do this. even if it's just to prove everyone wrong. even tho my parents won't cosign a bank loan and i'm getting not nearly enough from osap, i wonder what it means if you're still insistent on going back to school anyway. ..

we shall see i suppose.

sullenescape @ 2008-08-26T15:33:00

2008-08-26T19:41:14Z

So I feel like my life's falling apart right now. I hope things start to get better. I don't want to take this anymore. Hurts too much. Love is so much more than just wanting to be with someone you love.....

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails

Reading that again...just, I feel like I failed my partner and myself... But I suppose it takes two to tango...it's not just one person's fault somethings not working. We've just been fighting a lot and its painful because it hurts us both and I don't want to hurt or be hurt. I just want to go back to where we were just loving every moment together as if it were our last. I love her so much. :,( I don't want to lose her.

It's been so hard not to fight lately...it's like, we're getting upset over silly things that are just becoming more and more serious when they ought not to be...

sullenescape @ 2008-08-13T22:25:00

2008-08-14T02:36:29Z

Not too bad today. Little stressed about money, it's hard not to go out to eat with the gf. Would be nice if I had my own place, bought my own groceries and such...would plan out meals for the week, make sure I have all the ingredients. But alas, btw being at home and the gf's house...never know what's there to eat... and I try to avoid being at home when I'm not working, because it's just stressful and I live walking on eggshells there. Oh killjoy. Anyway...applied for rez for York Uni... so waiting to see if my apps been accept for living arrangements. Should be fine. I think I will get in fine for living on campus. :)

We're watching the Olympics and my gf and I just got home from her hockey game which she won. I'm so glad she did, she's in a really good mood because of it. :)

Was really depressed today, before we went out to the game... I was thinking about where the fuck that stupid library book went to...I know I put it by the door to return but it disappeared and I figured someone must've dropped it off...like if someone sees a library book there usually they will return assuming they're headed to the library themselves. That's what usually happens in my house anyway... but yeah...fuck. So I'm pissed off about that...

Possibly working tmw but by the looks of it, I won't work til Friday... Oh well...sucks tho cause I really need to save... OSAPs not giving me much for school...ugh well at least not near enough for what I'll need for rez... prolly enough for tuition but not enough for rez...so assuming I get in, I'll contact them and let them know I'm living on campus and thus need more than what they're estimating. *sigh* Fucking stressful.

Only reason I'm working is cause my mom's taken pity on me and hired me on her busy days for daycare... easy enough but can be challenging when they're misbehaving or sick which they have been.

Anyway.... my mom and the gf had a conversation (I translated, gf's deaf) about our relationship and how we're both going to school and such... so...it was good, they both cried, bless their hearts lol, sooooo emotional, my mom's someone who cries over commercials and greeting cards....so that didn't surprise me lol...

Well anywho.... ttfn!

sullenescape @ 2008-08-12T18:37:00

2008-08-12T22:41:00Z

I really hate my home life. I really really fucking hate it.

Perhaps someone could take the honour of choking me.. as I would feel loads better.

I don't know if any one person in my life has ever accused me of being so lazy and selfish this much. I'm leaning towards not.

I'm feeling really trapped right now. Long fucken day working, and then I get yelled at for not doing the dishes when I've done them like 4 times today! Fuck.

I guess they must be right. But I think the worst thing about this is I know I'll be back here. That kills me the most. I will have to tell osap the situation so they give me more money for living expenses and school.

sullenescape @ 2008-07-30T22:32:00

2008-07-31T03:11:30Z

ahhahaha posting again!

bwahahaa. so nothing big going on at the mo'. just bored due to lack of job and shit... and stressed about money...ewww. nasty shit.

so yeah. gf's here watching me type and i looooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee her!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 soooooooo much ;)
lol

i have a little chair that i'm sitting on...it's red... :D

i'm really hyper too because i just ate a bar of milk chocolate and almonds...nom nom! :) and i'm being absurdly random. oh joy lol.

so i'll write again when i'm feeling more normal lmao.

btw, 'invador zim' is fucken hilarious.
"Why is there BACON IN THE SOAP?!" Zim
"I made it MYYYSEEEEEEEELF!" Gir

sullenescape @ 2008-07-13T15:46:00

2008-07-13T19:52:38Z

My baby's FINALLY home! OMG! I thought I was gonna crush her bones with how hard I hugged her...and embarrass the crap out of her at the airport trying to kiss her in front of all those random ppl...mwahahha. As if I care what they think. Bwahahhaa. Lol.

I'm so HAPPY she's back, we both agreed we don't want to be separated again because life just sucks when we're not together... For me, I know my life is pretty hard, I mean, like hard to get from one day to the next without her there, because she's like the light in my life... when things are dark she lights things up.

So yeah, that's life for me and her.... lol. Love her to death. ;)

Anyway, my parents are giving me hard time right now. Update more later.

sullenescape @ 2008-07-12T13:55:00

2008-07-12T17:58:44Z

I messed up last night. At all my points and was starving at around 11:30pm and had already eaten a bag of popcorn and some chocolates earlier in the day (already counted those). So while watching a movie, I was hungry and just absently started eating my dark chocolate bar (1/2 of it!), a flax-seed tortilla with natural peanut butter and jam, 2 buns (1 with honey on it), frosted flakes cereal, and a tea with honey. So I pretty much fucked that up. Today starting anew with fewer bonus points (which I need to srsly save for the date on sunday my gfs taking me on) for the week, I am going to persevere and think about how I was two years ago at 154lbs...and my own weight current weight which is much higher than that now. :( But I am going to be strong and get through this and succeed at getting to my goal of 125. :D

Anyone want to work along side with me?

EDIT:
was bored and did a quiz meh lol
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

sullenescape @ 2008-07-07T01:29:00

2008-07-07T05:31:29Z

adam's song ~ blink-182

I never thought I'd,
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time,
I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off,You'll board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I cant wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

cuz i really related to this right now. i'm angry at the world and myself and everyone else. i'm hurting so bad. make it stop, please.

i can't breathe.

2008-06-27T16:33:11Z

I'm such a fucking retard. I just ate a whole bag of chocolate covered almonds and really wanted to cut again but my gf won't let me...fuck. I dunno...maybe cut somewhere less conspicuous. I don't fucking know.

I want seriously die at this moment in time. I really do.

My mom's being a huge bitch and threatened to kick me out. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to handle my gf leaving for 8 fucking days. I told her that if I'm not alive when she gets back, she'll know why. But thing is, I'm not saying to be dramatic or freak her out, I'm being honest. This is fucking killing me and it's like a die a little more inside each day. Only days I can breathe is when I'm away from them here... and just...I dunno.,..if I'm completely immersed in something else. I seriously don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this. I can't really leave cause I have no where to go...aside from my friend Rach's but that would cause problems with my gf, I love her too much to try and cause more problems. Money's a big issue too cause there's nothing fucking here, no fucking work, because of the goddamn recession. Everyone's going out west for jobs. It's fucking bullshit.

Doesn't look like I'm going to afford university... because of the lack of work. Fuckers. So I'm contemplating e.s.l. then I can leave for a year but it's too hard, cause my chest hurts every time I even think that doing that might mean leaving my gf here... I can't do that. I just can't. Maybe she can come with, that would be ideal, I would love her to, but I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't really want to do.

Fuck. I seriously don't know what to fucking do. It's always an ultimatum here at this fucking house. I hate how I can't even fucking breathe without asking if that's ok.

Right now, I feel like I'm going to pass out because I'm so dizzy and my chest has a huge weight on it (at least that's what it feels like), as if I'm stuck under a giant boulder and can't move it off and everyone's just standing there watching me struggle, and my gf is kissing me and trying to help make me feel better but she can't get the stupid thing off either.

sullenescape @ 2008-06-23T18:56:00

2008-06-23T22:58:26Z

I can't believe how much I love my gf, Jamie-Lee...she's the most amazing girl I've ever met and I'm so happy that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. I can't imagine not being in her life....

She just lost a friend and I'm just going to do my best and be there for her as I always promised. I love her...

Love you Jamie

sullenescape @ 2008-06-21T14:34:00

2008-06-21T18:36:29Z

Poem from Walk to Remember

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails

Liked this poem cause I feel it's something you should always think about if you truly love someone....

sullenescape @ 2008-04-07T23:54:00

2008-04-08T04:12:46Z

Heh. Shit. I was reading my last entry... t'was a while ago, I know...but I've discovered that my fears were well-founded. After a couple weeks at the job (Ontario Energy Savings), I found I was feeling I should stay there for a much longer time than I planned to be. But I know what I want and what I don't want. And one of my co-workers (now, former...) made me remember that.

I want to be a writer and do art for a living.

I want to be successful doing something I love to do; not something that just makes a lot of money but I don't care much for (ie. doing door-to-door sales; not that that's a horrible career choice or anything, you CAN make a shitload of money doing that, I know it, I've seen it)

I've decided I need to 'stick to my guns' in a manner of speaking, and continue to do what I truly wish to do. Continue to follow my dreams as it were.

So I suppose I haven't released the news, as it were, about my acceptance to York University. WOOOOOO!!!! :D

Hehhee, yes, I seriously am overjoyed but I was having some issues about what I should do regarding that choice with work and all... it was stupid to try and second guess myself, even if it seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. I need to follow my own intuition. And therefore, I'm going to take the hints I've been getting and to search for a job with a more steady income to come up with 20 grand before I begin school in Toronto; which is, as I mentioned, what I really want to do. Oh and I was accepted for their English and Professional Writing program though I'm not sure which one I should accept for myself...apparently you can't accept both at once. *shrug* I might even just call them and explain my situation, what I want to achieve and get some guidance from them.

My mom thinks I ought to join the Reserves... and maybe become a trainer or translator or some kind of office worker... something I could bare to do anyway. Training sounds like fun, I like the physically demanding aspect to it. Translating sounds interesting but intimidating at the same time. And office work...well, I've been there, done that... but if I can make $17-$20 an hour doing it, I'm laughing. So we'll see... plus, there's always the more conventional options like waitressing and stuff like that... probably have to do 2 jobs if that's the case *shrug*, but I could really care less, as long as I get to go to York U this September, I really don't care what it takes. I'm not making enough here, and to go to York, I need to have a certain amount in the bank in five months time. Right now, I'm just breaking even on how much I'm making vs. how much I'm spending. And anyone who knows me knows I'm no spend-thrift. Although I feel like I'm spending just about everyday, but on lunches, phone credit and bus fair. It's rather stupid to spend on such luxuries when you don't have the room in the budget for such things. It generally seems to be the situations I'm put in, rather than my own personal desire to spend. We're out all the time, so obviously we do eat out. And we don't cart lunch bags around either. I bring a sandwich that I eat around suppertime and an apple that I eat btw 3-4pm or 6-8pm... give or take. But we go out to eat btw 12:30 and 2pm. I do eat breakfast at home though. *sigh* Anyway, stressing about it doesn't solve anything, so I just need to watch my spending more carefully and find another job that will give me a steady income, whether or not I'm in a great mood that day/week.

sullenescape @ 2008-02-08T11:43:00

2008-02-08T16:57:53Z

'Kay, I started talking to myself and then that's when I knew, writing and posting was probably a good idea. Anyway, just got a call from someone via monster.ca to interview me for a job at some energy company for a customer service position (full time). *shrug* I can't say it sounds utterly exciting, but I am glad it's something. Been searching for a while and such... I hate spending money and not making it at the same time, it's stressful. So I'm repeating to myself, it's just to make some money, not going to last the rest of life, will not go insane because of staying there for too long, as I won't be there long enough to do so... Ugh. I have to repeat this otherwise I get into the frame of mind that this is all I'll ever amount to in my career life and that thought just depresses me so much. I mean, I had to have a nervous breakdown in front of my boss in order to move on from one of my previous jobs in retail and that was only part time! I was there for 2 years though... I felt guilty to leave them 'high and dry' or anything of the sort, nor could I find a 'suitable' reason to leave... I mean 'I hate working here' is kind of blunt...right? Maybe I'm just too overly sensitive, and not just about myself, but about everyone else too. Stupid really. Anyway... so that's what's happening. My antidepressants are also running out, so I've got to find a doctor who will actually listen to me when I tell them I'm depressed, so far, it's been a female doc that was at my former university, unfortunately, I say former because I no longer go there... and thus do not have a doc that listens... So am searching for a FEMALE family doctor now... It's so hard to find one here too!

Anyway, I was job searching and one job that I think might be really cool to have was a personal trainer at a gym...problem is, the place I found something at didn't suggest they paid their employees, just that you got a free gym membership... so I'm not sure if it's worth my while to apply there...but maybe I should apply anyways, hopefully get an interview and find out if they are paying anything beyond a membership... Hmm..

Oh and my mom is seriously pissing me off... she fucking turns on the radio super loud in the mornings (shitty music too) to 'wake me up because I can't sleep all day' (not that I am... today was an improvement...I only slept til 11am... mostly cause I got that call for a job right? but 2 pm isn't all fucking day! is it?? >.>) In any case, I don't blare the music at night so she can't bloody well sleep...although I've been considering it...I just fear my dad's palpable rage in response to that..and am I being immature about it? Gods, it makes me so mad though! FUCKING BITCH! Sorry... just... it's not fair.

Whatever, ranting won't solve anything. *sigh* Thoughts anyone?

sigh

2007-10-23T04:27:38Z

Well...unfortunately... the agency that got me the job called me this morning and said that the company had decided to hire someone else within the company. So basically they don't need me. I was pretty upset and decided that going to sleep and pretending it was just a bad dream was my best option. Until of course I woke up at noon and realized, 'shit, it did happen for real' and 'crap! I have an appointment with the naturopath today!' and got up. Anyway...so that's what happened. It was pretty depressing I have to say... I mean going through the day with my mind heavily thinking about my job issue and how this is not going so easy as I'd like it to. But tonight, I went to a 'Belief Repatterning' session with one of my old co-workers, Michaelea and had a really good experience.

My assignment now is to repeat my affirmation about 'seeing' as opposed to being 'blind' now for 2 weeks, 10 times a day. So that'll be good...I'll admit, I did feel really good about the whole thing during and especially after. Like I've removed a blockage...like I can move forward and not be stuck in this place anymore. And seeing could mean a great deal of many things...like seeing what my deja vu experiences mean and be able to utilise and understand them better, seeing how I can be more positive and not let ppl discourage me from achieving what I want and that what I want is the only thing that matters, seeing myself thin and seeing how I can not cave when it comes to tempting unhealthy foods...I've already found a solution to the juicer, Michaelea doesn't use the one she has whom my nana gave to her... but I really want to do a juice fast and she said she'd give her's to me. :) I also can ask the universe to give me ideas everyday for writing and for art. And when I was at the meeting tonight, the one who gave me the demonstration consultation gave me a free 30 min consultation for 'being her guinea pig' so to speak. She wants to see some of my artwork and see if I'd be a good artist to purchase a painting or drawing from for a gift for her partner. :D Isn't that AWESOME??? She's really friendly too... I'll be seeing her again to do the consultation and she's gonna call me Monday. The other thing I need to do is set aside a certain amount of time everyday to work on my passions that I seem to have a love-hate relationship with, my writing and art. And to ask for the motivation to work on them- in the form of ideas and inspiration. And I have to be specific about what I want and when I want it. Same goes with the deja vu experiences, if I say that I want a discernable answer about what they are, what they mean and how I can control and use them for mine and other's benefits with ease...then I need to ask just that. It's really fascinating all this positive belief stuff... and I think I'm allowing myself to be more and more open to it. :) I just have to continue to surround myself with the right people who will support me and encourage me.

Got a job!!!!

2007-10-20T21:23:27Z

Yesss! I finally got a job! I did I did! :D It's awesome. (oh by the way, I just discovered I can type in colours...so I'm going to :P ) Anyway...it's a receptionist position job...at a place called Ever-Clear Property Services Inc., has good pay $14/hr!!! And it's everyday, from 8-4. So not too long... and it only takes 30-40mins to get there by bus and I only have to take 2 buses, as opposed to 3 buses and a train with the initial job offering I received from the temp agency. This was their second 'find' for me, and so I'm taking it and starting on Tuesday :D WOOT!!!

So yeah, I'm pretty excited now. Monday I have a naturopath appointment and I'm going to this evening meeting thing called 'Belief Re-patterning' and I'm gathering so far that it's about having a more positive attitude and outlook on life...that sort of thing.

I've also been researching quite a bit on raw foods, as I've mentioned, and now that I'll be working, I plan on buying a juicer and doing a juice fast for at least a week...if not longer. Juice fasts are much better for you than water fasts- which can be dangerous if not monitored or done for too long... But with juice, you're getting all the nutrients and calories that are needed to sustain you- but none of the bad stuff that keeps excess weight on your body, makes you tired, ill, etc. It's like another detox I suppose.. but you're making your own juice so there's no added refined sugars(aside from what's in fruit and that's good for you because fruit contains essential enzymes that the body needs to refuel and replenish itself) and it's not pasteuized(cooked...which kills the enzymes). So I'm quite excited about doing this... I want to start as soon as possible to fulfill my promise to myself which is to have lost at least 20lbs by the time I go home(December). I also work out fairly regularly and if I miss a day usually I'll compensate by doing a really long session the next day or two later. :D Anyway...yeah, that's what's going on here.

sullenescape @ 2007-10-13T23:58:00

2007-10-14T06:06:09Z

So I went grocery shopping today. YUSS! Finally! Lol, you've no idea how much I missed eating fruit for a couple days there... my gosh... it's crazy, you just become expectant that there'll always be tons in the bowl and when there's none, it's the saddest thing ever. So once I got the food home, I ate an apple, a creamy strawberry smoothie(made with an avocado, pint of strawberries and 5 pitted dates...YUM!), and I had a banana afterwards. Mmm. Then I did a workout and watched 'Crossroads' which isn't very good...at all, but it was better than watching the 'leafs' play. I really only enjoy watching soccer on tv, that's pretty much all I care about sports-wise.

And then my aunt and uncle went out for dinner and a movie, two of my cousins went to a sleepover and I stayed home to watch the youngest of my cousins, Patrick, who's 6. He's a great kid. Anyway, we watched 'Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Ring' and 'The Emperor's New Groove'. And we ate chips and drank pop which was a total diet muck up, and then I ate an apple and felt better. Slightly... Well, hopefully tomorrow goes better, I found this delicious sounding soup in this raw recipe book that I really wanna try. It's some tomato soup with lots of different veggies in it. Note to self: this week, must purchase raw honey, more fruit and some sprouted grain bread.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping on '17th Ave' downtown... with my friend Caroline, so that should be kinda fun. Hope I'm up for it lol, jks, that would be cruel. It'll be fine. I'll drink some coffee and tea and maybe gets some arts stuff. :)

EDIT: OMG. I just posted this and looked at the DATE! It was Friday the 13th! In OCTOBER! Freaky dude...

Oh wait no... it was Sat. 13 *phew* safe. But STILL the 13th!

sullenescape @ 2007-10-12T19:22:00

2007-10-13T01:24:48Z

Kiss

by keisan/Christine Forde
Oct. 2007.

We sit on the cushiony sofa wrapped in each other’s arms. She holds me close attempting to make the chills seep out of my bones and warm me up again. The television lights up the room in a blue glow and our attention is divided between the images on the screen and our bodies reacting feverishly to each other’s.

I roll my head onto her shoulder, breathing in her soft, feminine scent and she presses her face into my blonde hair, inhaling.

She whispers in my ear, “I told you you were cuddly.”

I smile and look up at her with big green eyes and she looks back with warm brown eyes. She leans in to kiss me and catches the corner of my lips while I catch the corner of her lips.

I feel shy and turn as of nothing happened. But she is persistent and takes my jaw in her slender fingers; she smiles reassuringly and leans towards me again.

This time, her lips directly find mine and after that our tongues meet for the first time. The soft wetness of her mouth entrances mine and lures my shy tongue to massage hers. She moans softly and I pull her closer, feeling like I could never get enough of that delicious soft, sweetness.

Fin.

blahhh

2007-10-12T18:45:28Z

Well I had an utter crap weekend- although I did lose 1 lb... so that was good. Aside from that... it was thanksgiving and I couldn't seem to ignore the call of roasted veggies, mashed potatoes, mashed turnip, stuffing and pie... ugh. WEAK!

That's the trouble with living with relatives. It's hard especially when they've got young kids who OF COURSE don't eat just veggies all the time. There's always some sweets in the house. I'm trying to go back to my self-affirmations and keep in mind my sister's suggestion of drinking tea when I'm craving/around junk and think of the clothes I want to be fitting in again. I was so upset when I had to buy new clothes- my pants were the next friggin size up! This isn't allowed to HAPPEN! Fuck.

Anyway, it's not like last night helped either *rolls eyes* ate 2 bowls of ice cream, special k, popcorn with butter, hot chocolate.... ugh. I should've thrown it up after. Course I'm too squeamish about doing that... Funny I don't mind bleeding myself but vomit is just...ugh I can't deal with it. My throats already pretty delicate as it is most of the time-- I get sore throats when I get sick, every time. It never fails.

So far today I made this raw recipe of maple syrup and cocoa powder...yeah still not healthy...but it sounded so yummy(it's too sweet by the way, and I'm really not craving chocolate right now) but sadly it wasn't. So I've also eaten the last mango(I need to go grocery shopping like you wouldn't believe, no fruit left in the house...) and I've drank some organic coffee. I think I'll have the rest of my raw homemade 'pico de gallo' for lunch with romaine lettuce and some whole wheat bread(if there IS any....I would skip the bread normally, but the dish is so damned spicy that even with the bread my mouth is burning for about a half an hour after I'm done eating).

I have a list and hopefully I can get some almonds today and soak them(it releases the enzymes). And get on the rowing machine tonight... and hopefully my crush will call. Jeez I miss talking to her. Yes I admit it, it's a 'she'. Get over it.

And I've written some femmeslash, it's just kissing and cuddling, if anyone wants to read it, I'll post it here. ;)

raw resources

2007-09-26T21:01:01Z

Anyone interested in raw lifestyle? Check out these resources/sites:

http://eat.rawfood.com/

http://goneraw.com/

and check out the library for books and things... plus you can always google more resources, it's a fascinating lifestyle which I totally hope works for me and anyone else who wants to do it and receive the wonderful health benefits that comes with it!